An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very
narrow field.
(Neils Bohr)
narrow field.
(Neils Bohr)
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A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned
that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living
room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her
husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"Comment
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> A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday.
>
> First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to
> the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer to
> her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner. He's interested and
> suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a
> very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
> and she wins their little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in
> the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have
> a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her
> place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says
> she hasn't enjoyed herself on the course for a long time. "In fact," she
> says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
> everything". He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a blow
> job.
>
> The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggest they play
> together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that
> she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying
> each others company and playing a tight round of golf. Again she pips him
> at the last, and again he drives her home, and again she goes down on him
> in appreciation.
>
> This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly everyday.
>
> This is a sore point for his male ego, but nevertheless in the car home on
> Friday he tells her that he had such a fine week that he has a surprise
> planned: dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
> passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she
> burst into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what
> the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth. You see," she says,
> "I'm a transvestite."
>
> He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a
> screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion."I'm sorry" she
> repeats.
>
> "You cheating son of a bitch, you've been playing off the ladies tees all
> week."Comment
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There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a
local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camels genitals in his hand, and
raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't
believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of
the
fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the
camel's genitals." One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local
and
asks him the time, the same thing happens. It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to
tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He
walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camels
genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the camels genitals".
"OK," says the tourist.
"Now, lift them up in the air."
"OK," says the tourist.
"Now, look underneath them, and... <pauses for effect> ...you can just see
that big clock on the other side of the courtyard".Comment
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
================================================== ==
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
==================================================
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC
MOMENT.Comment
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A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a
year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he
wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in
the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive
native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be
tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play
this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make
passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."Comment
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Keyboard grime analysis
Ever wondered what makes up the grimy residue that coats your computer keyboard?
According to intensive research by AOL, it consists of bits of fingernails, hair, insects, vegetables and the odd cornflake crumb. And as if that isn't enough useless information for one Friday afternoon - here's some more. Britain's seven million online households accumulate 0.138 tonnes of this stuff every year.
Thus AOL has teamed up with fast food outlet Domino's Pizza "to put a halt to the ever-growing mound of filth in and around the nation's PCs".
The two companies sent a sample of one month's grime "chosen at random from a London company" to be analysed at Reading Scientific Search Laboratory. The major identifiable components, and their per centage of the total weight of grime are listed below.
Corn Flakes 15%
Boiled sweet 15%
Noodles 7%
Vegetable piece 4%
Leaf 1%
Pencil lead/shavings 1%
Staple 1%
Finger nail 1%
Tape/plastic 1%
Insect 1%
Foil 1%
Hair 1%
Under the deal with Domino's, AOL users will be able to order pizza online - "a food easy and convenient to eat at the keyboard without crumbling or spillage," according to AOLComment
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A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate
revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's
clogged toilet.
Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a
fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to
endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete
incompetent idiot.
Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his
clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the
toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was
she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into
his tool bag.
A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the
assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!"
All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright
beet red.
The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped
around it.
The woman never complained again.Comment
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I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.Comment
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Around 4 years since we last had this one...
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack and upon getting home he announces to
his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice
if you came second for a change".Comment
Comment