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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • vetran
    replied
    Bumper Sticker on a senior's car:
    I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Did you hear about the newlywed couple that didn’t know the difference between KY lube and silicone caulk?

    Their windows fell out.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I took the wife out to eat.

    "You always pray before dinner when we're at home."

    "Here, the chef knows how to cook "

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Panto

    A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

    Vegetables

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Panto

    "Hi, what's your name?"

    "Helen. You?"

    "No, I'm Tom."

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Theres only 2 things certain in life, death and taxes. Unless you're john macafee, then theres only death.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    We went to Spain on holiday a couple of years ago, we stayed in a small hotel near the coast and had a great time until the third day when I ate a dodgy tapas. On returning to the hotel room I started to feel very unwell and eventually I phoned reception to see if they could get me to hospital.
    Two minutes later, there was a knock on the door and in walked a doctor, I was surprised, “That was quick” I said (in Spanish) “how did you get here so fast ?”
    “I’m the hotel doctor” he replied, also in Spanish.
    I told him I didn’t think hotels had doctors on their staff.
    He smiled then said, in English, “Nobody expects the Spanish In Physician”

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    When my wife came back from work, I blindfolded her, led her upstairs, and span her around a few times. We stopped and she opened her eyes.

    That gave my girlfriend enough time to get dressed and sneak out through the back door.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    So some transphobic people are making a fuss that a New Zealand female weightlifter actually used to compete as a man.

    Look, you have to accept that Down Under some female weightlifters are different.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I hear my five-year-old daughter say to her grandmother, "Granny, can you do a frog impression?"
    Her grandmother asked, "What? Why, sweetheart?"
    "Because Daddy says we'll get a fortune when you croak."

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Scotland are tulipe, still, at least Billy Gilmour got a positive result.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Congratulations to Boris Johnson

    Who has just finished opening his Fathers Day cards.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    If Liam Neeson played Aquaman

    "I've got a particular set of gills"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I once went out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

    What a totally unpronounceable surname that was.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    My wife said to me "Would you like anal sex with a hooker"

    I could not believe what I was hearing, "Of course I would" I replied.

    My arse still hurts, that's the last time a rugby player ever gets in my house.

    Leave a comment:

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