Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Why would you run from the Police?

Well, for starters, they can't tell their Glock from their Taser.

[vetran]

I was standing in line, waiting to get my hair cut, when I realised that nobody had even started a fire yet.

I thought, "This is a tulip barber queue."

[vetran]

I went to the doctor's. I was concerned about my hearing and being unable to father a child.

He confirmed I had hearing problems, but it wasn't all bad. He also told me I was important.

[NotAllThere]

'...Queen Elizabeth and Princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go for help, and while he's gone some scumbags come across the stranded royal couple.

If Anne had been in the car, she'd have twatted the scumbags.

[vetran]

What's a dyslexic's blood group?

Typo

[vetran]

'...Queen Elizabeth and Princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go for help, and while he's gone some scumbags come across the stranded royal couple.

"Ain't you the Queen?"
She confirms she is.

"Where's your tiara?"
She tells them she left it at home.

"**** me! Just my luck! Ain't you the Princess tho?"
Kate says, " Yes."

"Where's that bloody big Sapphire from your hubby's dead mum?"
She says she left it at home.

"BUGGER! I guess we'll just have to take these lovely wheels then. C'mon now! Out the car! Step lively and keep walking or there'll be hell to pay, you snooty *****!"

They shuffle down the road a bit and the Queen says to Kate, "I know you were wearing your ring! What happened to it?"
She replies with a blush, "I hid it... Up there..." pointing to her crotch.
The Queen chuckles.

Kate says, "But Queen, I know you were wearing your tiara when we left!"
Her Maj confesses that she hid hers too... In the same location.

Without a second's hesitation Kate says, "Dammit! If Fergie were here we could've saved the ' Bentley!"

[vetran]

Racing pigeons will be released in Windsor in tribute on the day of Prince Philip's funeral.

Jesus Boris, what state have you left the Airforce in?

[vetran]

I got searched by the police, he said "What are these seeds?"

I said "Those are Chia seeds."

He said "Bollocks, they're marijuana seeds."

I said "I know, marijuana cheers me up."

[vetran]

Ray Liotta's daughter's name is Karsen.

I always thought it was Tarka.

[vetran]

Bernie Madoff is in hell.

The devil will be broke in 18 months.

[vetran]

I went into an electrical shop and asked the shop assistant "would somebody help me to choose a kettle"

He said "yea of course, kenwood?"

I said "can you get him then please?"

[vetran]

Dear Agony Aunt,
At 13-years-old, me and my best friend have discovered we are both gay and want to try mutual masturbation, but we're too shy. What should we do?

Agony Aunt: Oh for God's sake - Just pull yourselves together.

[vetran]

Prince Andrew wants to dress up as an Admiral for his father's funeral. Rather fitting, given Prince Philip's recent need for multi-car insurance.

[vetran]

one for Panto...

My wife saw Reese Witherspoon this morning. I saw her yesterday but she had a knife and fork then.

[vetran]

I prefer to do arithmetic when I'm naked.

It's easier to count to 21.

(23 if you are having a ball!)