Please put more jokes here

[shaunbhoy]

My wife said she's leaving me because I can't do anything right when it comes to housework.
Selfish bitch. It took me hours to mop that carpet.

[shaunbhoy]

My wife wrote a letter telling me I need to "grow up", but I'm not the one leaving notes in my Super Mario lunchbox.

[shaunbhoy]

My wife's says she promises to stop shouting cruel taunts about my weight at me. Fat chants.

[shaunbhoy]

In the back woods of Wales, Dai’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there Dai!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s another wee one to come yet.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
Then Dai scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

[vetran]

This morning, my grandad accidentally got his sleeping pills mixed up with his viagra.
He ended up having 40 wanks.

[vetran]

"Muslims and Irish are all bastards," said the dwarf.

"That's a little racist," I thought.

[vetran]

For our Divorcees

Marriage, because your tulipty day doesn’t have to end at work.

[vetran]

Women: If a man remembers your eye colour after the first date,

You probably have small tits.

[vetran]

I got to work a bit late this morning. "You should have been here 3 hours ago!" my boss screamed. I asked, "Why? What happened?"

[vetran]

I don't agree with battery hens.

Surely they lay bigger eggs if they're plugged into the mains.