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    My wife said she's leaving me because I can't do anything right when it comes to housework.
    Selfish bitch. It took me hours to mop that carpet.
    “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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      My wife wrote a letter telling me I need to "grow up", but I'm not the one leaving notes in my Super Mario lunchbox.
      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

      Comment


        My wife's says she promises to stop shouting cruel taunts about my weight at me. Fat chants.
        “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

        Comment


          In the back woods of Wales, Dai’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
          To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
          “Whoa there Dai!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s another wee one to come yet.”
          Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
          “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
          Then Dai scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
          “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

          Comment


            This morning, my grandad accidentally got his sleeping pills mixed up with his viagra.
            He ended up having 40 wanks.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              "Muslims and Irish are all bastards," said the dwarf.

              "That's a little racist," I thought.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                For our Divorcees

                Marriage, because your tulipty day doesn’t have to end at work.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  Women: If a man remembers your eye colour after the first date,

                  You probably have small tits.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    I got to work a bit late this morning. "You should have been here 3 hours ago!" my boss screamed. I asked, "Why? What happened?"
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      I don't agree with battery hens.

                      Surely they lay bigger eggs if they're plugged into the mains.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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