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Please put more jokes here

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    First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
    My plumber's a bastard.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      Please put more jokes here

      My wife has had so much cosmetic surgery that I've paid for, she's now my plastic bag for life
      {emotionless greeting}

      Three Word Slogan

      Comment


        My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

        "Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

        "I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week."

        "A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?" I asked.

        "**** knows. That's his problem."
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          Can't work my wife out!
          First she says ". Yes, fine have a tattoo ",
          Now she's moaning about the kilted drummers & bagpipers marching in the garden..."
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            The doctor told me , unless I stop drinking , I have only six months to live.

            I've decided to go for the 1,820 pints.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              My wife has asked me to buy her clothes for her birthday. She said, "Make sure you buy them in a size 12."
              I hope she likes her shoes
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                Who needs Amazon Prime for The Grand Tour when I can see May and Hammond cause a huge ******* crash in the Houses of Parliament.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  Why can't Kim Kardashian find her asshole?

                  He's in hospital.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    for MF

                    I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.

                    I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      What is 6.9?

                      A really great thing ruined by a period.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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