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Please put more jokes here

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    Intelligent design

    The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      Its the little things

      I went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.
      The barber gave me a cushion to sit on.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        For FLC

        I thought the FLC would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          For NLYUK

          I asked the local prostitute if she could do something kinky so she put a set of jump leads up my arse.
          Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but I couldn't believe how much she charged me
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            Obama played the race card, Hillary played the woman card, and America played the Trump card. - Jesse Piper
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              A transvestite asked me who Chile are playing tonight

              "Uruguay" I replied

              Then he slapped me
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                Three priests on a golf course. Two take their first swing and land on the green.

                The third priest takes his add shot then exclaims.

                "**** it, missed again!"

                His priest friends exclaim.

                "Father Ignatius ! If you swear like that our heavenly Father will strick you down!"

                They continue with their round of golf and on numerous occasions Father Ignatius shouts the same, "**** it missed again!"

                Each time this happens his fellow priests admonish him the same way,

                "Father Ignatius ! If you swear like that our heavenly Father will strick you down!"

                They arrive at the 18th hole and again the two priests hit the green on their first shots.

                Father Ignatius steps up to the T and swings really hard missing the green altogether!

                "**** it! Missed again!"

                Suddenly a Lightning bolt strikes the ground right next to Father Ignatius!!

                A booming voice from heaven can be heard!!

                "**** it ! Missed again !!" Shouts God !
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  I was on holiday in America watching a curious game that was a bit like rounders.
                  All of a sudden, there was a white ball getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
                  The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

                  Comment


                    Olay (or Ulay if you're over 40) claims to fight the seven signs of aging, but does it fight becoming more right wing, because that really is the problem one.
                    {emotionless greeting}

                    Three Word Slogan

                    Comment


                      Why are traffic lights, speed humps, mini roundabouts and contraflow systems are known as 'traffic calming measures'.
                      All they do is piss me off.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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