Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

For MS

As my husband opened his anniversary present, he just stared at me and said:

"A pen? A pen? It's like you don't know me at all."

"Alright, Steve," I said. "Calm down."

he said, "My name's Martin!"

[vetran]

I can't help but think that Will and Kate have missed a trick with this name thing. 'Elizabeth Paris Mercedes' would have been a nice blend of modern and historical while also being the Cluedo answer for "what happened to Granny"?

[vetran]

for the Faqqer

English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

[vetran]

For MF

Russell Brand tells us not to vote...

Yeah, right - as if I'm going to take advice off someone who divorced Katy Perry.

[vetran]

So since the election Ed Milliband, Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg have all resigned. The leaders are quitting left right and centre

[vetran]

Phil on form

When David Cameron turned up at Buckingham Palace yesterday the Duke of Edinburgh answered the door and said..

"Damn it's you, I was hoping for the Farage fellow"

[vetran]

There are more pandas in Scotland than Labour MPs.

[vetran]

So. Ed Miliband is now unemployed

A bit like most of his voters

[vetran]

"That lying asinine politician is prime minister" said my wife as I walked in the door from work.

Leaving me still absolutely none the wiser.

[vetran]

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

We don't know. Rather than change it they'd prefer to talk about how badly it was originally fitted.