Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with slogan: Coverage from cradle to grave.

Second tries to improve on that with: Coverage from womb to tomb.

Not to be outdone third comes up with: From sperm to worm.

Fourth really thought hard and almost gave up, but finally came up with:
From erection to resurrection.

[vetran]

My girlfriend is writing a new best selling book about our sex life.

50 shades of okay.

[Alias]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

[Alias]

IRELAND ......... The only place where........
• When you were young, you went to bed when Glenroe was over,
• If you die from alcohol poisoning, you're considered a lightweight,
• '**** off' means 'Are you serious?', ... ... • The person that you insult most is probably your best friend,
• Saying 'I will yea' means that you definitely won't,
• '**** it, its grand' means that you couldn't be bother finish it properly,
• 'Hes fond of a drink' means he suffers from severe life-threatening alcoholism,
• Saying you're going for a drink means you might not be seen again for 3 days,
• Crisps are called 'Taytos' and fizzy drinks are called 'minerals',
• 'For the craic' is the best reason for doing anything,
• The best cure for a hangover is more drink,
• Nobody can go a day without saying 'Jaysus',
• 'Meeting' has a double meaning,
• Tea is the solution to every problem,
• And water is the solution to every GAA injury,
• 'I got stuck behind a tractor' is a perfectly valid reason for being late,
• We eat Tayto sambos for lunch, and ham sandwiches on the way to Croke Park,
• You can insert the name of a gardening tool into any sentence and it still makes sense, e.g. 'I had a rake of drink last night' or 'I'll be out in a minute, I'm just shoveling down the dinner',
• GAA is considered religion,
• Its perfectly acceptable to call your mother 'mammy' even though you are a fully grown adult,
• Saying 'Now we're sucking diesel' means that you are happy with the outcome of the situation,
• Drinking 'tae' is everyone's favourite past time,
• You're scared of the wooden spoon,
• The word 'like' goes in every sentence,
• You can say 'Any craic' to a garda and you won't get arrested.

[eek]

Last night she was an animal between the sheets.

She wore her squirrel onesie

[vetran]

I was devastated when Tony Blair announced he only had three weeks left to live.


I'll never learn to dance in that time

[vetran]

As a dwarf, oral sex is my favourite thing.

I love going up on a woman.

[vetran]

One for Brillo

Man awakes to find balls missing. I believe it was called a honeymoon when it happened to me.

[vetran]

Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I was an Olympic gold medal winner..

"Wow, that's amazing." She said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. "What did you win this in?"


"Online auction."

[vetran]

one for MS

My wife is the worlds best at self-deception

She claims to have had a salad for lunch because there was lettuce on her Big Mac