Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

"A penguin" I said.


"A stuffed penguin?" She questioned.


"It doesn't matter" I said, "cook it any way you'd like."

[vetran]

"Meetings" - what a Jamaican calls everything he owns.

[vetran]

My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat lazy good for nothing drunken ****.

I saw mummy dissing Santa Claus.

[vetran]

December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam.

Since it always comes before Christmas Eve.

[vetran]

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #Brown

[vetran]

Maybe Jesus was gay the whole time and was actually saying "Ah,Men."

[vetran]

Following a back down to North Korea, Sony have now come under pressure from the Muslim community over the remake of a 1993 Tom Hanks & Meg Ryan classic using a wholly Islamic cast. It is rumored to portray Islam in a bad light according to a Muslim pressure group spokesman

Headless in Seattle is due to open in March 2015

[vetran]

I've had lots of priceless moments in my life.

I'm a shoplifter.

[vetran]

I got my wife some Bristol Cream for Christmas.

But she won't let me rub it on them.

[vetran]

My wife just came and sat on my lap and asked me what I am getting her for Christmas.

That's it, the ******* beards coming off.