Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

At work, random ladies usually phone me up to say:

"Hey, my friends tell me you give the best cock. Can I come see you in your office?"

I hate being a surgeon in that Thailand hospital.

[vetran]

I hate the way that as you get older, policemen and doctors etc seem to get younger and younger looking

Although its not a bad thing when it comes to porn.

[vetran]

They say a dog is a man's best friend. But that's a load of bollocks.

I took my dog to the pub last night and he didn't even buy me a pint.

[vetran]

My wife's such a ******* snob.
11.20 yesterday "Dave, take this box into the ******* shed"
12:15 Her friends arrive. "Dave, could you pop to the summerhouse and grab that box please, there's a love"

[vetran]

Although I'm 6' 2", I met a guy who dwarfed me yesterday.

He was only about 5' 8" but he hit me with a garden gnome.

[vetran]

I accidentally killed my girfriend's chihuahua by feeding it a mars bar.

She was devestated and said I was the most insensitive man she'd ever met.

So, in an effort to ease her pain, I took her to a very expensive restaurant and let her order anything on the menu.

I even surprised her by having the waiter bring out her favourite dessert.

Come to think of it "Death by Chocolate" probably wasn't such a good choice.

[vetran]

Over the years I have developed several different techniques on how to win arguments with women.

You can choose one, or combine several,

it really doesn't matter though, because none of them work.

[vetran]

In the news today it was mentioned that a man has been banned from every farm in Britain, after he pleaded guilty to having sex with a young goat.

Personally, I think he should be locked up after messing with kids.

[vetran]

I haven't met a woman yet that doesn't like my 'signature move' in bed.

Most likely because it involves me writing a cheque.

[vetran]

I finally managed to give my wife multiple orgasms last night...

Yup, two on her tits and one in the gob.