Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Charles Saatchi has been spotted crying into his coffee, he's clearly missing Nigella.

That man needs to get a grip...oh wait.

[vetran]

Today is National Patronising Day.

For all you people dumb Cretinous enough to not realise.

[vetran]

My blonde girlfriend went to change a light bulb. Five minutes later, she walked back into the room.

"How many bulbs does it take?" she asked.

[vetran]

"Smith, we need to talk about your maths exam!" exclaimed my teacher.

"What about it?" I asked.

"Question 4 Smith :- You are in a greengrocers. Carrots are £1 and potatoes 60p and you need 4 of each. How much do you spend?"

"Well I know I got that 100% right!" I gloated.

"But Smith, you wrote and I quote,'nothing'"

"Yes sir, me dad's got an allotment."

[vetran]

Just got the new iPhone 5C.

It's so low budget, Siri doesn't answer my questions until after she finishes her second job as a waitress.

[vetran]

"premier league clubs back Dyke plan" nice headline BBC, but i think they prefer to call it Womens football

[vetran]

Gotta use this one

I'm not saying my wife is a bad driver, but her new GPS I got her just went off and said "After 400 feet, stop and let me out!'"

[vetran]

tempting!

Was sat with my son watching the tetetubbies dancing and arsing about earlier.

Though my wife prefers it if I call her coffee morning mates by their correct names.....

[vetran]

A man was arrested after he stowed away in the wheel well of a flight from Malaga to London, Stanstead.

Police are calling his hiding place 'indescribably dangerous'.

A Ryanair spokesman countered with, "No ... 'Business Class'."

[vetran]

I'm a confident driver due to the amount of compliments I get.

Only today I managed to swerve away from hitting a man crossing the road, to which he said, "Nice driving, dickhead".