Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."
- Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
- Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!
Please put more jokes here
Collapse
X
Collapse
-
-
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
Yomomma'sMF's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
Teacher: Whats the longest word you know?
Pupil 1: Miles
Pupil 2: Elephant
Pupil 3: Masturbation
Teacher: That's quite a mouthful
Pupil 3: No Miss, that's a blowjobOriginally posted by Stevie Wonder BoyI can't see any way to do it can you please advise?
I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.Comment
-
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
One for MF
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
The next door neighbour came round in a rage. "Your lad has been playing doctors and nurses with my Jessica." "Well," I said, "they do get curious at that age." "Curious? He's just taken her f**king appendix out!"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't existComment
-
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all your devices for easy data access, the other is a hardware standard.The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't existComment
-
The 12 funniest quotes about marriage
. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Rita Rudner
2. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.”
Sigmund Freud
3. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
Jerry Seinfeld
4. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
Ogden Nash
5. “Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?”
Groucho Marx
6. “No! Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids – eat them!”
Homer Simpson
7. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
Socrates
8. “There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.”
Oscar Wilde
9. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
Billy Connolly
10. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
Prince Philip
11. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
Ann Bancroft
12. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
Mickey Rooney
My favourite highlightedComment
- Home
- News & Features
- First Timers
- IR35 / S660 / BN66
- Employee Benefit Trusts
- Agency Workers Regulations
- MSC Legislation
- Limited Companies
- Dividends
- Umbrella Company
- VAT / Flat Rate VAT
- Job News & Guides
- Money News & Guides
- Guide to Contracts
- Successful Contracting
- Contracting Overseas
- Contractor Calculators
- MVL
- Contractor Expenses
Advertisers
Contractor Services
CUK News
- Labour’s plan to regulate umbrella companies: a closer look Today 09:24
- When HMRC misses an FTT deadline but still wins another CJRS case Yesterday 09:20
- How 15% employer NICs will sting the umbrella company market Nov 19 09:16
- Contracting Awards 2024 hails 19 firms as best of the best Nov 18 09:13
- How to answer at interview, ‘What’s your greatest weakness?’ Nov 14 09:59
- Business Asset Disposal Relief changes in April 2025: Q&A Nov 13 09:37
- How debt transfer rules will hit umbrella companies in 2026 Nov 12 09:28
- IT contractor demand floundering despite Autumn Budget 2024 Nov 11 09:30
- An IR35 bill of £19m for National Resources Wales may be just the tip of its iceberg Nov 7 09:20
- Micro-entity accounts: Overview, and how to file with HMRC Nov 6 09:27
Comment