• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    The one good thing about getting transferred to India,

    No one says ******* 'YOLO' over here.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      The Doctor came into my hospital room looking serious.

      "I'm really very sorry to tell you that, when you had the accident, all your nerve endings were severed," he explained.

      I lay in silence for a moment.

      "Are you OK?" he asked me.

      "To be honest Doc," I replied, "I don't know how to feel ..."
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Harvested from elReg !

        Can you make a U turn
        No but I can make it's eyes water.


        A IT guy asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
        "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who' s not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
        The IT guy settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness began his testimony. "I saw that man mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick his pecker."
        The accused IT guy was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal, when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that."
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          I'm off to Afghanistan then Iran, to have some easy, drug-fuelled, Islamist sex.

          I've heard that loose women there are stoned.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            My wife phoned me at work this morning and said she was going to have a massive chocolate eating session in the afternoon.

            When I got home that evening, she was lying on the sofa, all flaked out.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              My wife had a couple of extensions in her hair.

              She'd have got away with shoplifting if the assistant in B&Q hadn't noticed a three pin plug hanging down.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                Thanks to a special bed I've bought, my wife's severe asthma no longer prevents me from being as vigorous as I like during sex.


                By the time she's blown it up, she's unconscious.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  After hearing "Is it in yet?" for what seems like years, I decided to take action.

                  By reversing my wife's car into the garage for her.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    I walked in on the leaders of the Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties in a compromising position. David Cameron looked quite embarrassed.

                    He ended up with Clegg on his face.
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      Now that they have raised the Costa Concordia they have announced that they are renaming it Zoe after my wife.

                      Smart move, there's no ******* chance of it going down again now!
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X