Please put more jokes here

[shaunbhoy]

PRETEND you're a pro tennis player by asking your greengrocer for 3 apples and then rolling one back to him.

[shaunbhoy]

As a child my parents favoured the stick over the carrot, which made Sunday dinner a bit weird.

[WTFH]

My cat lived to be almost 19 years old. It used to sleep beside me or on me every night. In all those years I only heard or smelled it fart once.
The Wife (tm) could learn a lot from that cat.

[WTFH]

All men marry nymphomaniacs.

For the first few weeks they are nymphos and then they turn into maniacs.

[BrilloPad]

All men marry nymphomaniacs.

For the first few weeks they are nymphos and then they turn into maniacs.

weeks?

[WTFH]

True stress is your wife, your girlfriend and your mortgage payment all one month late.

[WTFH]

"I'm really sorry," I said to my neighbour, "I'm afraid I've just hit your cat"

"Oh no," she said, "is she OK? How hard did you hit her?"

"Well put it this way, I've bent my 7 iron"

[BrilloPad]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[shaunbhoy]

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything".

[shaunbhoy]

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.