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    A man is having a problem with his son and goes to see his rabbi. "I sent
    him to Hebrew School and gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah," says the
    man, "and now he tells me he's decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did
    I go wrong?"

    "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "I also brought my boy up
    in the faith and gave him a fancy Bar Mitzvah. Then one day he, too, tells
    me he's decided to become a Christian."

    "So what did you do?" asked the man.

    "I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

    "And what did He say?" pressed the man.

    Rabbi sighed and said, "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "


      A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
      restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes
      over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed
      kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

      The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was

      "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

      "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
      I want a divorce!"

      "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if
      we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no
      more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more
      Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the
      decision is yours."

      Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
      babe on his arm.

      "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

      "That's his mistress," says her husband.




      "Ours is prettier," she replies.


        Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

        "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

        "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

        The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

        The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

        "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."

        She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

        Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

        "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"

        "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

        The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

        "What's up love?" he asks.

        "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

        "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

        "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

        "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

        "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

        The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

        "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

        "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."


          A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
          apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone,
          not even each other.

          The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for
          advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my

          His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

          "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and
          I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

          "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
          possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a
          workable solution.

          The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with
          her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is
          truly awful."

          "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

          "No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that
          my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

          Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of
          bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy
          eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
          say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

          "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

          "Not a word," her mother affirmed.

          "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

          The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
          received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence,
          they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly
          before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one
          of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically
          searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
          she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

          "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"


            Subject: Actual phone call on Talk Sport this morning

            Presenter: We have Jim on the line who wants to discuss the Faroe Islands/Scotland game.

            Jim: Thanks...er yeah. Just want to say it's an absolute disgrace. I mean, we're playing probably the weakest side in world football and we can't do better than a draw.

            Presenter: It was a poor result.

            Jim: Poor result! Poor result! It's absolutely scandalous. The manager has lost the plot completely, he's got to go. I know we've never set the world alight over the years on the international stage but I can't remember things being this bad. It's the end for us. The absolute end. I can't see us ever recovering from a setback like this. We're a complete laughing stock.

            Presenter: Look Jim. I know it seems bad now but there is still a long way to go. I can't see you qualifying for Euro 2004 but hopefully things will improve.

            Jim: I never expected for a moment we would qualify. I don't mind that so much. We're not good enough. But listen, to not qualify is one thing, but to fail to beat a team like Scotland is a different matter. It's a bitter blow for everyone here on the Islands.

            (Uproar and laughter in the studio)


              Once upon a time....There are two nuns walking through a forest. One of
              them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other is known as Sister
              Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the

              SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
              thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

              SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

              SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What
              can we do?

              SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

              SM: It's not working.

              SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
              started to walk faster too.

              SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

              SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and
              I'll go this way. He can't follow us both.

              So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives
              at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Moments
              later, Sister Logical arrives.

              SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

              SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
              he followed me.

              SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

              SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could and he
              started to run as fast as he could.

              SM: And?

              SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

              SM: Oh, dear, what did you do?

              SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

              SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

              SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

              SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

              SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
              a man with his pants down........

              (And those of you who thought it would be dirty, say 3 Hail Marys and get
              back to work!!)


                This bloke orders a blow up doll off the internet. 600 quid, "GLX300 Honey Bun Ho" latest technology guaranteed, as lifelike as possible, smooth skin and real feel tits. Plug into the mains,finger the pussy and it moans, and after shagging it for 10 minutes vagina goes into orgasmic spasms, gives you whore like encouragement in 56 major languages etc.

                Down the post office, a sorting guy sees where the package has come from, and out of curiosity peeks inside.

                He sees its a blow up doll, so he opens the package, and gives it one behind the sorting machine. He then re packages it, does his flies up and puts it back in the 'in' skip.

                The bloke gets his rubber doll, and all is at peace in the world etc. Two weeks later he phones to complain.

                "Oi that doll you sold me ... "

                "Yes sir the GLX300 model, ultra realistic, honey bun ho"

                "Yeah, I did'nt want it that realistic"

                "What do you mean sir "

                "Well I've caught the clap off it..."


                  Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
                  walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

                  "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted
                  to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

                  "Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.

                  "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
                  ask her out, and she agreed."

                  "That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?"

                  "Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
                  worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my
                  penis to
                  my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

                  "Sensible.", says Dave.

                  "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
                  answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."

                  "And what happened then?"

                  Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."


                    The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept
                    in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster
                    and about ten hens.

                    One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the
                    priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the

                    So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
                    At Mass, he asked the congregation,

                    "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

                    "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

                    All the women stood up.

                    "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
                    that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

                    "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

                    All the alter boys stood up. ..


                      Male/Female Dictionary

                      1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
                      Female......Any part under a car's bonnet.
                      Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

                      2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
                      Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
                      Male......Playing cricket without a box.

                      3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
                      Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
                      Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

                      4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
                      Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
                      Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's

                      5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
                      Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
                      Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

                      6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
                      Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
                      Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.

                      7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
                      Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
                      Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

                      8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
                      Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
                      Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5