Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.

My mate told me that they are really expensive,
So I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

[vetran]

When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the ******* thing!

[vetran]

NLUK's night out

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked me last night.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

[vetran]

My son got an F in his geography exam today.
I sent him to his room but he ended up in the fridge.

[vetran]

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

[vetran]

one for NLYUK

A blonde was in the hairdressers and she says, "My boyfriend has an itchy, flaky scalp, can you recommend anything"?
The hairdresser says "Have you tried "Head and Shoulders", that should do the trick"

The blonde says "Oh, I never thought of that,...............err, how do you give shoulders"?

[vetran]

want to play barbie i asked her?
ill be ken...you can be the box he came in

[vetran]

My wife is a magician...

She can turn anything into an argument.

[vetran]

I had a dream last night I was cutting carrots with the grim reaper

I was dicing with death

[vetran]

Blonde Payment Plan.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellllloooooo…….just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!