Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared
the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is
struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top
forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of
course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might
end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be
$3.99.

Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.

Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.

Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.

Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
got integrated Coke!

Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going
to drink the Coke.

Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.

Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally
inseparable.

Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!

Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

Joe: Why did you just do that?!

Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a
continuous taste across all your foods.

Joe: Aaarrgh!

[BrilloPad]

One evening, after a particularly successful Jedi mission against
the Empire, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker decide to treat
themselves to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Luke is particularly
looking forward to it since he's never eaten Chinese food before.

They enter the restaurant, sit down and have soon placed their
order - Half a crispy fried duck, some sweet and sour pork, some
noodles and a huge bowl of rice. When the food arrives, Obi-Wan
Kenobi picks up his chopsticks and immediately dives into the food.
He tucks into all the dishes with relish.

After a while, however, Obi-Wan Kenobi notices that Luke has not
started eating - He is looking down at his chopsticks pensively.

"Are you not feeling hungry tonight, Luke?", he says, "I thought
you were looking forward to coming here".

"Oh no, I'm fine", Luke replies sheepishly. He picks up his
chopsticks and gingerly attempts to pick up a piece of duck. He
manages to raise no more than a few inches from his plate before
it drops to his plate.

Obi-Wan Kenobi smiles tenderly at Luke. He leans over the table
and says, sympathetically, "Don't worry Luke, try some sweet and
sour".

So Luke reaches out for the sweet and sour. This time, he manages to
raise the food most of the way towards his mouth but, again, the food
drops from his clutches, leaving a nasty bright red stain on his freshly
laundered white rebel suit. He looks very embarrassed.

Obi-Wan Kenobi remains outwardly calm but is inwardly seething. In
a stern voice he chides Luke. "I have not been so embarrassed for
a long time. Can one who is so deft with the light-sabre not master
simple chopsticks? You must concentrate more, Luke. Try some noodles".

Luke bites his lip, clearly unused to failing before his tutor. He
picks up his chopsticks again. In one desperate sweeping action of his
hand he grabs a few noodles between his chopsticks and flings them
towards his mouth. The noodles go everywhere but his mouth - On his
head,
his clothes, the floor, the table! He turns a bright shade of red.

This time Obi-Wan Kenobi can contain himself no more. His face red
with anger, he rages, "Luke, you are humiliating me in public. What
will people think, that I, who has trained a thousand Jedis, cannot
even teach you to eat properly in public? LUKE, JUST USE THE FORKS.
USE THE FORKS, LUKE".

[BrilloPad]

Darth Vadar to Luke Skywalker: Luke, I know what you're getting for
Christmas...
Luke Skywalker: How come, Darth?
Darth Vadar: I have felt your presents.

[BrilloPad]

A little boy came down to breakfast one day.
Since he lived on a farm,
his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any
breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes
to feed the chickens,
and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a
cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal, he asks?

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a
chicken, so you don't get
any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't
get any bacon, either. I
also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't
getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for
breakfast, and he kicks the
cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or Should I?"

[BrilloPad]

A mother was walking down the hall when she
heard a humming sound
coming from her daughters bedroom. When
she opened the door she found her
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at
home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a
husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen
and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he
went downstairs, he found his
daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at
home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a
husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the
humming sound again, this
time in the living room. Upon entering the
room, she found her husband
watching television with the vibrator buzzing
away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my
son-in-law."

[BrilloPad]

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you
prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ CNN
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please
check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you
fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy/Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering in a desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other: ___________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?

a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:
(1=Unsatisfactory, 5=Excellent)

Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the
One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of
beings entered).

[BrilloPad]

A husband and wife are getting all excited in bed. The passion is
heating up, when all of a sudden the wife stops and says,

"I just don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband asks, "WHAT??"

The wife explains, "You are obviously not in tune with my emotional
needs as a woman."

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.

Anyway, the next day the husband takes her shopping at Harvey Nichols.
He walks around, and has her try on three amazingly expensive outfits.
As she emerges from the fitting room wearing the third outfit, he
tells his wife, "We'll take all three."

Then he leads her to the shoe department, telling her to get matching
shoes (worth $200 a pair) for each outfit. From there, he goes to the
jewelry department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is SO excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out,
but she doesn't care.

While in the jewelry department she asks him for a tennis bracelet.
The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but okay, if you
like it, then let's get it."

The wife is now jumping up and down she's so excited, she cannot
even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's
go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, Honey, we're not going to BUY all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.

"No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while,
since you are obviously not in tune with my financial needs as a man".

[BrilloPad]

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use
occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to
bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County
police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end
to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that

he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death
was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

[BrilloPad]

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...
Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of
July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their
only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements
were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage
tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen
for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands
of feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective
seats.

[BrilloPad]

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...
A lawyer [ ! ] and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman
immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was
alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the
front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion
style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say,
God delivered [well, you would, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers

on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the
Ministry.