Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Alex Salmond seems to be hedging his bets having a wife 17 years older.

If he doesn't get the oil fields he is making sure he gets a winter fuel payment.

[vetran]

The prosecution must feel like Leonardo Di Caprio.

Certain they were going to get an Oscar yet walked away with nothing.

[vetran]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[vetran]

One for MF

I'm twice the man you are.
True, but I prefer being twelve stone to twenty-four.

[shaunbhoy]

"Dad, there is a man at the door with a Bill!"

"Don't be silly son, it is probably a Duck!"

[original PM]

Independence for Scotland

[Pondlife]

My wife is pissed off with me again.

Last night whilst she was sleeping, I removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper with the string hanging out.

I tell you, that woman has no sense of humour at all!

[vetran]

Pfizer has come out with a new tablet after Viagra.

To honour Tiger Woods, they have named it Tiagra.

The punch line: Good for 18 holes.

[vetran]

A young man decides to tell his mother that he's gay.

Upon hearing this news his mother asks, "Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The son sheepishly replies, "Well...yeah."

His mother looks him in the eyes and says, "Good, then I don't ever want to hear you complain about my cooking ever again."

[vetran]

I was watching the news, with my blonde wife tonight.
There was a demonstration by some tree huggers, about the impact of wind farms on the countryside.

"******* idiots." I moaned.

My wife said, "Well I agree with them, I think it's cruel to farm wind, it should be left to roam free, as nature intended."