Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

My doctor said I should consume more fruit, so I've bought over a hundred quid's worth of grapes.

A case of vintage Cabernet Sauvignon.

[vetran]

I recently lost my wife to Alzheimer's ....

I haven't got a clue where I left her.

[vetran]

What people in the UK call their Mother:
Yorkshire: Mum
Midlands: Mom
North East: Mam
Ireland: Ma
Norwich: Wife

[vetran]

How do you confuse a Jamaican butcher?

Go in his shop and ask for a large joint.

[vetran]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

[Ticktock]

A slightly embarrassing episode on the bus yesterday.

I had to tell the woman sitting in front of me that she had semen on her shoulder.
She said, "No, no, I'm sure it's just yoghurt."
I said, "I don't think so love. I don't cum yoghurt."

[TestMangler]

I asked woman on the bus yesterday if I could smell her pussy.

She replied, in a disgusted tone, "No you most certainly cannot !!"

I said, "******' hell, it must be your feet then".

[vetran]

Kent that you?

My wife asked me to knock something up in the kitchen...

The cleaner is now pregnant.

[vetran]

So after around 10 years of ignoring the issue and doing nothing, I've finally been forced to accept the fact that I have now become a minority in my own country.

I've never actually claimed PPI.

[vetran]

My boss just told me I've won the employee of the month.

I don't even remember buying a raffle ticket, but I hope it's Carol in the office, she's got massive tits.