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Please put more jokes here

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    For our Divorcees

    I told my mate I had been seeing a prostitute who inflicted pain on me and took lots of money,

    "Wow, " he said, "I didn't know you were into that tulip. "

    "I'm not, " I replied, "I'm getting married soon and I thought I would get some practice in."
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      "I'd like the fish please," I said to the waitress.

      "Plaice?"

      "Erm.. here would be good."
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Tories are planning to limit bingo wins to one per person.

        Because politicians are the only people allowed to claim on a second house.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          So Oscar Pistorius has lost all his sponsorship deals,including his biggest sponsor,Nike.

          It's not all lost though.Apparently he's just signed a new sponsorshop deal with Vaseline.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            For the expats

            What is the definition of optimism?

            Starting a career as a comedian in Germany.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              Christians shouldn't be allowed to fly planes.

              I'm not comfortable with a pilot having the belief that if he crashed it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.

                At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.

                Now I see the resemblance.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  I got burgled last night. They raided my collection of music VHS tapes & Mr Kipling cakes.

                  I'm now Footloose and Fancy free.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    MF was shagging a prostitute last night when he told her to say to him "**** me harder with that huge cock".

                    She stopped and replied, "I'm many things, but I'm not a liar."
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      The Metropolitan Police is paying 425 grand to a woman whose child was fathered by a man she did not know was an undercover police officer.

                      I thought it was Amnesty International who got all of the money from the secret policeman's balls.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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