Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

For our Divorcees

I told my mate I had been seeing a prostitute who inflicted pain on me and took lots of money,

"Wow, " he said, "I didn't know you were into that tulip. "

"I'm not, " I replied, "I'm getting married soon and I thought I would get some practice in."

[vetran]

"I'd like the fish please," I said to the waitress.

"Plaice?"

"Erm.. here would be good."

[vetran]

Tories are planning to limit bingo wins to one per person.

Because politicians are the only people allowed to claim on a second house.

[vetran]

So Oscar Pistorius has lost all his sponsorship deals,including his biggest sponsor,Nike.

It's not all lost though.Apparently he's just signed a new sponsorshop deal with Vaseline.

[vetran]

For the expats

What is the definition of optimism?

Starting a career as a comedian in Germany.

[vetran]

Christians shouldn't be allowed to fly planes.

I'm not comfortable with a pilot having the belief that if he crashed it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

[vetran]

I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.

At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.

Now I see the resemblance.

[vetran]

I got burgled last night. They raided my collection of music VHS tapes & Mr Kipling cakes.

I'm now Footloose and Fancy free.

[vetran]

MF was shagging a prostitute last night when he told her to say to him "**** me harder with that huge cock".

She stopped and replied, "I'm many things, but I'm not a liar."

[vetran]

The Metropolitan Police is paying 425 grand to a woman whose child was fathered by a man she did not know was an undercover police officer.

I thought it was Amnesty International who got all of the money from the secret policeman's balls.