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Please put more jokes here

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    For our Divorcees

    I told my mate I had been seeing a prostitute who inflicted pain on me and took lots of money,

    "Wow, " he said, "I didn't know you were into that tulip. "

    "I'm not, " I replied, "I'm getting married soon and I thought I would get some practice in."
    Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

    Comment


      "I'd like the fish please," I said to the waitress.

      "Plaice?"

      "Erm.. here would be good."
      Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

      Comment


        Tories are planning to limit bingo wins to one per person.

        Because politicians are the only people allowed to claim on a second house.
        Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

        Comment


          So Oscar Pistorius has lost all his sponsorship deals,including his biggest sponsor,Nike.

          It's not all lost though.Apparently he's just signed a new sponsorshop deal with Vaseline.
          Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

          Comment


            For the expats

            What is the definition of optimism?

            Starting a career as a comedian in Germany.
            Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

            Comment


              Christians shouldn't be allowed to fly planes.

              I'm not comfortable with a pilot having the belief that if he crashed it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
              Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

              Comment


                I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.

                At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.

                Now I see the resemblance.
                Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

                Comment


                  I got burgled last night. They raided my collection of music VHS tapes & Mr Kipling cakes.

                  I'm now Footloose and Fancy free.
                  Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

                  Comment


                    MF was shagging a prostitute last night when he told her to say to him "**** me harder with that huge cock".

                    She stopped and replied, "I'm many things, but I'm not a liar."
                    Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

                    Comment


                      The Metropolitan Police is paying 425 grand to a woman whose child was fathered by a man she did not know was an undercover police officer.

                      I thought it was Amnesty International who got all of the money from the secret policeman's balls.
                      Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

                      Comment

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