Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

"What are the odds of Scots being alcoholic?"


"I've heard of one in Fife."

[vetran]

Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."


I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

[vetran]

Good news for insomniacs - Only one more sleep till Christmas!

[vetran]

My forecast for this year's most-popular Christmas gift:


Covid-19.

[vetran]

Ffs. Never mix drink and wrapping Xmas presents.


If anyone opens theirs and finds a TV remote in it, I need the thing back.

[vetran]

How does Mickey Mouse protect against coronavirus?
Disney-infectant.

[vetran]

This morning I completely forgot the name of my new girlfriend. So I took her to Starbucks.

[vetran]

Boyfriend proposes to his train driver girlfriend as she pulls into the platform in front of delighted commuters.


She was shocked, as men normally propose to her when they pull out.

[vetran]

"Anything these days," I told my son.


He frowned a little.


"What's that?" he asked.


"Anything these days," I said.


"Huh?" he asked.


"Anything these days," I said.


"I don't understand. Explain?" he asked.


"Anything these days," I said.


He sighed loudly.


"Are you crazy, dad?" he asked.


"Anything these days," I said.


"Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked.


"Anything these days," I said.


"Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked.


There was a pause.


"Anything these days," I continued.


At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!"


There was a silence.


"This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."

[vetran]

The greatest story ever told is on tv this week. It will need to go some to beat the one my mate Dave told me about the night he spent in Amsterdam with a ounce of coke and 2 hookers.