Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

During the Covid crisis, Ryanair have announced a surcharge for people not travelling on their planes,

[vetran]

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

[vetran]

Aged 10) blow and make a wish = birthday cake
Aged 40) blow and make a wish = Breathalyzer

[NotAllThere]

A QAnon loyalist dies and goes to heaven. Jesus greets him.

Jesus: Welcome to Heaven! All the knowledge in the universe is now available to you. Before a tour, can I answer any questions?
QAnon: Yes! Who really won the 2020 election between Donald Trump and Joe Biden?
Jesus: Biden won by millions of votes.
QAnon: Wow, the deep state conspiracy is higher up than I'd ever dreamed...

[vetran]

Only 47% of Americans have said they will take a Covid vaccine when it becomes available. Although the Government are sure they will get the figure to near 100% when given with a free Big Mac meal.

[vetran]

Coins from the Tudor era depicting three of Henry VIII's wives have been dug up in a garden in the New Forest region.


Heads you lose...

[vetran]

Sitting there at Dave Prowse funeral looking at him resting peacefully in his coffin.
I thought to myself “I could make a lot of money here. As I’m sure there are a lot of Star Wars collectors out there that would pay eye watering amounts of cash for an original Darth Vader still in his box”

[vetran]

Wife: “I fancy going somewhere really hot when this Covid thing is over”


Me: Google search - local crematorium

[vetran]

Just had the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer.
Can someone tell me how long this hard-on is supposed to last.

[vetran]

Victorinox have bought out new range of Swiss Army knives specifically for the London market.They're called the Swissis range. No scissors, files or things like that.Just a range of machetes with shiny red handles.They're also rumoured to be bringing out a Bradford range. Still machetes, but with a number of essential tools to maintain camels, goats and chickens.