Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I rang my boss tonight and said, 'they have 7 cases of Corona in the house opposite me'.


He replied, 'don't whatever you do come into work for a few weeks', then he hung up.


I never even got to tell him they also have 6 cases of Stellar Artois as well!

[vetran]

They say '50 is the new 30'.


I still got three points on my licence though.

[vetran]

My neighbour spent all day yesterday laying out turf in his front garden. Then last night someone stole it.


He’s back out there now, looking forlorn.

[vetran]

My advice to Banksy is to forget the boat, instead give the immigrants each a painting to sell so they can **** off and live in Monte Carlo.

[vetran]

I went to see my GP because I have a fear of palindromes.


The bastard prescribed me xanax..

[vetran]

Barely married a fortnight, a young bride phones her mother and wastes 20 minutes with aimless chatter. Her mother suspects there must be ‘marital’ difficulties and does her best to discern the problem.
Eventually the young bride blurts out...
Bride ”Mum......he’s got.......he’s got..”
Mum “He’s got what....some strange peccadillos ?”
Bride “No mum, it’s nothing like that”
Mum “Has he got another woman ?”
Bride “No mum.....he’s got......he’s got terrible dandruff”
Mum breathes a sigh of relief “Give him Head and Shoulders love”
Bride sobs for a couples minutes.
“Mum.....I don’t know how to give shoulder !”

[vetran]

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics...

[xoggoth]

A couple go to an agricultural show and are watching an auction of reproduction bulls.

The first bull is described as a fine specimen, reproduced 60 times last year. The wife nudges her husband and says "Hey, that's 5 times a month!, could you manage that?"

The second bull is also described as a fine specimen, reproduced 120 times last year. The wife nudges her husband again and says "Hey, that's 10 times a month! How about that?"

Her husband is getting rather irritated at her innuendos about his bedroom prowess.

The third bull is described as an extraordinary specimen, it reproduced 360 times last year! The wife pokes her husband in the back and says "Once a day, every day of the year. How about YOU?"

The husband is really annoyed now and yells back "Sure, once a day, but obviously they were not all with the same cow!"

[xoggoth]

An attractive young lady goes to a fabric counter to buy some material for a new dress. "How much is this one?" she asks. The young bloke serving smirks and says "One kiss per meter"

"Ok" she says, I'll have 8 meters" He smiles in anticipation as he wraps it up.

She picks up the package and steps aside, revealing a toothless, grizzled old man standing behind her. "My granddad's paying"

[vetran]

BBC’s new boss threatens to axe left-wing comedy shows.
I can’t say I’ll miss Question Time.