Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I've written a series of books about the different levels of sound.


There are quite a few volumes.

[vetran]

150,000 criminal records accidentally deleted from police database due to technical issue.


The police are calling for backup.

[vetran]

In communist Soviet Russia, a man saves up enough money to buy a car but theres a 10 year waiting list. He pays his money and the man says 'On this day, 10 years from now, come back and you can collect your car, Comrade. The buyer says 'Morning or afternoon?'. 'Does it matter?' replies the official. The buyer says 'I'd prefer the morning because I've got a plumber coming in the afternoon'.

[vetran]

My Father fell foul of the 'no jab, no job' rule for workers.


Nice guy, terrible boxer.

[vetran]

This lockdown has made me plan ahead.

I've just ordered my Glastonbury 2022 T shirt size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXL in the hope I'll be able to slim down and fit into it

[vetran]

Cook the Pasta
Grate carrots
Warm up baked beans
When the pasta is cooked, drain it and mix with carrots and baked beans
Crumb 2 slices of bread and mix with a little grated cheese
Sprinkle the bread and cheese mix onto the pasta mix
Grill until golden


This isn't just food. This is Boris Johnson food.

[vetran]

What do you want?


SJW: "Diversity on television"


How do you hope to achieve this?


SJW: "By allowing only those with my opinion on TV"


How is that diverse?


SJW on phone: "Hello, police, I want to report a hate crime!"

[NotAllThere]

700 approximate number of the beast.
0.666 Number of the milli-beast.
668 Next door neighbour of the beast

[vetran]

I'm a money lender and I recently found out one of my clients who hasn't paid me this month is a paedophile.


He must want me to send the boys round.

[vetran]

I'm a fat alcoholic transvestite! ,
All I want to do is eat, drink and be Mary..