Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.

[vetran]

one for NLUK

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

[vetran]

Eastenders star 'pal sang at inauguration' | Daily Mail Online

[vetran]

THE YANKEE QUIZ: How American are you?

1. For breakfast you eat …
(A) A nice bowl of muesli or a croissant.
(B) Cornflakes or Bacon & eggs.
(C) A 30 ounce T-bone steak with eggs overeasy, blood sausage and a lb of streaky bacon with potato waffles followed by a stack of pancakes.

2. You drive …
(A) A sensible hatchback.
(B) A modest family saloon.
(C) A 25 foot long chromium-plated jukebox with 2 foot high tailfins which returns 6mpg on a good day.

3. You think that Donald Trump is …
(A) A sad example of runaway celebrity culture.
(B) A ruthless, avaricious, unprincipled, dangerous racist psychopath.
(C) A great American Statesman.

4. Your views on Lebanon …
(A) They should do more to help curb Syria’s President Assad.
(B) They should do more to combat ISIS.
(C) Sexual relations between two women is an offence in the eyes of God.

5. Religion …
(A) Agnostic / Atheist.
(B) Quite spiritual; Christian / Moslem / Buddhist.
(C) Marauding around the countryside after dark burning large wooden crosses whilst dressed as a ghost.

6. You think that your country’s approach to contentious overseas issues should be …
(A) Conciliatory & diplomatic.
(B) Fair but no nonsense.
(C) Nuke ‘em. Nuke ‘em all!

7. Whilst watching sport you drink.
(A) Mineral water or a crisp white wine.
(B) A malty, hoppy brew with a humorous name.
(C) Bottles of fizzy yellow piss with a Bavarian name or 5 litres of Cola.

8. Your country’s greatest scientists are …
(A) Nurtured & cherished pioneers.
(B) World-renowned & respected innovators.
(C) All captured from other countries.

9. Education: Your school is …
(A) A progressive, supportive & respected institution.
(B) Doing well in the league rankings.
(C) Still closed following last week’s mass shootings.

10. The ‘speak your weight machine’ says …
(A) “You like to keep in good shape.”
(B) “You could lose a few lb’s.”
(C) “Ouch. No coach parties!”

11. Your I.Q. is …
(A) Average to genius.
(B) About average.
(C) Kindergarten / Brain-injured / American citizen.

12. Supermarket shopping list …
(A) Lots of fruit & veg.
(B) Some fruit & veg but a little meat.
(C) Catering packs of; burgers, streaky bacon, fried chicken, pizzas, potato chips, pretzels, waffles, cheese & eggs. Ten cases of Bud. Pump-action shotguns, high powered rifles, automatic large calibre pistols & enough ammo to start a war.

13. Whilst participating in your favourite sport you wear …
(A) Speedos.
(B) Shorts & T-shirt.
(C) Several hundredweight of padded body armour and a crash helmet with a heavy grill visor.

14. During the last major wars your country was …
(A) Occupied / collaborating / neutral.
(B) Pluckily fighting tyranny.
(C) Several years late and charged everyone else for the privilege of your attendance.

15. Your country’s national hero is …
(A) A poet, a singer or a Chef.
(B) A sports star or adventurer.
(C) Superman.

16. Europe is …
(A) The hub of the developed world.
(B) A varied collection of vibrant cultures
(C) One of our States?

17. Your house is made of …
(A) Logs or masonry.
(B) Bricks or concrete.
(C) Sticks & foil thin metal sheeting.

18. Musical tastes …
(A) Classical / Jazz / Prog rock.
(B) Indie / Pop.
(C) The Star Spangled Banner / Johnny Cash.

19. Your dentist would describe your teeth as …
(A) Very good.
(B) Could be better.
(C) Hollywood smile / Both rotten.

20. Gas is …
(A) A fossil fuel which is contributing towards global warming.
(B) Indigestion.
(C) Something you put into your automobile to make it go.


SCORING:
No C’s = Bad luck! You are likely to be a sane & rational human being.
Some C’s = You need to try harder to be a Yank - a pre-frontal lobotomy might assist.
All C’s = Congratulations, you are a flag waving member of The Uncle Sam Club. Sit back with a slice of Pizza and a Bud then enjoy the ride as President Trump drags us all into Armageddon.

Or you are MF

[shaunbhoy]

My Wife said, "You treat this place like a hotel"...
She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.

[shaunbhoy]

My girlfriend asked me, "Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?"
"No, don't be silly" I replied, "I ate it on the sofa."

[shaunbhoy]

Went to a fundraising disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night

It was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was bloody mayhem

[shaunbhoy]

STAND out on Facebook by wishing Donald Trump good luck and hope the inauguration went well...

[shaunbhoy]

Just seen 2 blind men fighting in the street.
You should have seen them run when I said my moneys on the one with the knife...

[SimonMac]

THE YANKEE QUIZ: How American are you.

All C's.

Or you are MF

Not true, thanks to the extra weight he put on over Christmas he is now upto a D cup