Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

A man is cooking venison for his family when his kids ask him what it is.
He tells them that it's what mummy calls him.
Billy shouts to his sister, "don't eat it Clare, it's an arsehole!"

[vetran]

A bloke is rescued from a building fire and is admitted to hospital.
He says to the doctor "I have been here now for two weeks and all I'm getting is Haggis,Tatties and Neeps for every meal.
The Doctor says "What do you expect, this is the Burns unit"!

[vetran]

If Bruce Willis died after taking viagra the news paper headlines would be hilarious....

Bruce willis died hard

[vetran]

For our Divorcees

My mate got home today to find his wife had left him, she took his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish.... feel sorry for him.....












No Woman, No Sky.

[vetran]

GANB - That's bang out of order

[SimonMac]

I struggle to spell Armageddon

Still, it's not the end of the world is it

[vetran]

On February 14th, I'm going to give my missus one up the arse.

She is Dyslexic, and I've told her that it's St.Vaselines Day.

[vetran]

one for NAT

As old Johnny approaches his 90th birthday the staff at his nursing home decide to arrange a special treat for him. He has been awfully low recently and has lost his spark so the staff arrange for a stripper to give him a private dance in his room to see if that puts the glint back in his eye. The big day arrives and the the young lady is duly smuggled up to Johnny's room where the old boy is waiting for his surprise. She takes off her coat to reveal a sexy PVC nurses uniform and starts moving and swaying towards the old boy. As she leans over him she whispers seductively in his ear
"I'm here to give you super sex"
Old Johnny clears his throat and croaks..
"I'll take the soup"

[vetran]

you shouldn't understand this - pervert!

I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on the lock before I put the key in the door.

[vetran]

Speaking of Kurt Cobain, whats the difference between him and Elton John?

Elton John has taken more than one shot to the mouth!