Please put more jokes here

[alluvial]

I was at Aldi yesterday, this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like the back of a bus and all the charisma of a jellied eel. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"£1.03 please"
"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.
"Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought f##k it, I'll pay by card.
"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.
I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

[alluvial]

I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the sea front at Llandudno today. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off!!! There was a massive brawl and someone must have phoned the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man. The guy managed to get the baton off the copper and began to assault the copper and his wife!!!

Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages!

[eek]

I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the sea front at Llandudno today. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off!!! There was a massive brawl and someone must have phoned the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man. The guy managed to get the baton off the copper and began to assault the copper and his wife!!!

Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages!

Did you stop and say hello to BP and Mrs BP ?

[SimonMac]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

[vetran]

Bunny?

I thought they came out of a wizard's hat, not a wizard's sleeve.

[vetran]

Why did Jordan called her kid 'Bunny'?

She's that thick she thought her rampant rabbit was the father.

[vetran]

"Do you always think about me during sex?" asked the wife.

"Always," I smiled, "including yeterday."

"But we didn't have sex yesterday."

"I know," I replied. "I was worried that you might get home early."

[vetran]

Glad we've got David Beckham's opinion on Scottish Independence. Just need Joey Essex's thoughts on fracking and that's Monday sorted.

[vetran]

"Schumacher home 9 months after accident". Just like me when I was a baby.

[vetran]

The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings, you don't really have a problem.