Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

The biggest worry I have over Scottish "Independence" is that the rest of the UK will be blamed for it....

How is that funny?

[Oh Come On Not Again]

A russian ship arrives to the port. Some guy is standing on the shore. A russian sailor from the ship throws a line at him and shouts:
- Держу каната!
The guy doesn't react. The sailor shouts again:
- Держу каната!!!
The guy still does nothing, staring at him. The sailor asks:
- Говорите на русски?
The guy does nothing.
- Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
The guy does nothing.
- Parlez-vous français?
The guy does nothing.
- Do you speak English?
The guy suddenly wakes up and shouts:
- Yes, I do!
Then the russian sailor shouts:
- Но то держу каната!!!

[vetran]

What wine do they drink in church communion.

Peado Noir.

[vetran]

The Government has decided that we need to understand the gunpowder plot in modern terms, so from this year on Guy Fawkes Night will now be known as 5/11

[vetran]

£200 to install my anti virus package on my PC, £45 for each update plus £10 cos it's sunday charge.

Wish I'd never gone with Make-A-Fee now

[vetran]

Decided to learn some French to get into the spirit of things.
Today I learned Hors d'oeuvres...... and that was just for starters.

[vetran]

For NLYUK

Mum used to tell me that having one testicle does not make someone a freak.

I still say it's creepy, and she should have it removed.

[vetran]

Doing standup for Alzheimer patients is easy

You really only need one good joke.

[vetran]

One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway.

Curious, he decided to go inside and look around. As he approached the counter, the woman behind told him they were doing a special on Voodoo Dolls.

The Pope thought for a few moments and told the woman he would like to buy one. She then informed him he would need to get the hair of the person he would like the doll to represent. He plucked some hair from his head and handed it over the counter. "You want a doll of yourself?" she asked. The Pope nodded and soon left with his doll.

The next day the Pope was visiting the victim of abuse at one of his churches. Producing the doll he said to the child, "Show me on the doll where the naughty priest touched you."

[vetran]

I saw a tramp earlier with a sign saying 'I SMELL AND NEED MONEY FOR CLOTHES AND A BATH'

He looked up and asked "Any change sir?"

I sniffed and said "Nah, you still need a bath mate"