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    If you don't have a toilet, where do you put a Russian sh!t?

    In a poo tin.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      My wife posted a no make up selfie for breast cancer awareness.

      Simon Pegg has just been in touch, offering her a lead role in Shaun of the Dead 2.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Turned my phone onto airplane mode 11 days ago and still no sign of it anywhere!
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          My blonde girlfriend has just been arrested for walking into Boots the Chemists, filling her pockets with Rimmel products and just walking out.


          She heard it was a make-up free day.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            I've just been to a ventriloquist's funeral - they sang the hymn "All Things Gright And Geautikal!"
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              My wife is always nagging me to stop and ask for directions, but I refuse.


              I can find her clit myself.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                Watching the live transmission from The House of Commons today reminded me of the constipated Chancellor of The Exchequer.
                He couldn't budget.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  I took my best mate round to my house the other day.
                  My wife started screaming her head off at me while my mate just sat there and listened.
                  Where the **** have you been she said ive not had time to do my ****** hair and makeup, the dishes are still in the ****** sink, youve not walked the ****** dog, and dont think Im cooking you any ****** tea tonight
                  Finally she looks at my mate and says What the **** you brought him home for
                  Because hes thinking of getting married I replied
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    You can recognise if someone is having a stroke by asking yourself 3 simple questions..

                    1. Can the person smile?
                    2. Has their mouth or eye drooped?
                    3. Can the person speak clearly?

                    Well then, I guess Stallone is stuffed.
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      and one for Mich

                      My wife and I are on the verge of splitting up because of my obsession for rugby.

                      But I have decided to give it one last try.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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