Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

So I bought a new phone from Malaysia.
It was good until I activated flight mode.
Now I can't find it.

[vetran]

for those with an Aygo or GT86

I wonder why it is that blokes who own a convertible seem to have a hair style to match.

[vetran]

for NLDYUK

I was once offered a hundred pounds to have gay sex.

I took it, in the end.

[vetran]

For Doodab

I've just had my first poo of the month.

April stool.

[vetran]

For Fullyautomatix

My sex life is costing me a fortune.

I never sleep with the same sock twice.

[vetran]

The clocks going forward at the weekend really ****ed with my OCD.

I've had to leave my telly on Channel 4 + 1 since.

[vetran]

As I emptied the house of all my stuff my wife said:

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! that's MY bed-side table and you KNOW IT! - First you cheat on me with that WHORE and now you're stealing my furniture!?"

I calmly said: "I'm sorry baby, it was just the one night stand."

[vetran]

Just woke up from a nightmare - I was in an alien laboratory in a large glass dish, which was suspended over flames.

I was petri fried.

[vetran]

I'm really looking forward to the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

I've never seen a deep fried Marathon before.

[vetran]

There's a fine line between civility and barbarity.

We call it the Scottish border.