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Please put more jokes here

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    A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected. When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told: “It’s the year 9999 – and you know Cobol!!
    If UKIP are the answer, then it must have been a very stupid question.

    Comment


      A man received the following text from his neighbour:
      I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
      I have been tapping your wife all the time.
      I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse.
      I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that it won't happen again.

      The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

      A few moments later, a second text message came in:
      Damn spell-check. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
      Join IPSE

      Comment


        What's the difference between an acrobat application and Jimmy Savile?

        One is a PDF file - the other....

        Comment


          For Scooter!

          The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

          I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            Of course homosexuality is a type of mental illness.

            Why else would they have fought so hard for the right to get married?
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              Gay marriage legalised in England and Wales.

              For those of you confused about the idea, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and fewer arguments about who left the toilet seat up.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                A guy goes into a library and asks for a book on Malaysian passenger jets.
                The librarian says, "I'm sorry, we can't find it anywhere."

                "That's the one." The man replies.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  My wife called me last night "Where the hell are you? you're two hours late coming home"

                  "I went for a drink with one of my work mates and one thing led to another" I replied.

                  "Are you with that mental Dave?" she asked

                  "No," I replied "Busty Sandra"
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

                    But none of them work.
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      We've got an eight foot dinnerlady at work.


                      She's our longest serving employee.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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