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    Someone asked me what the difference was between a colon and a semicolon.

    "I'm not 100% sure," I told them, "But it's not worth having a semi colonic irrigation."
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      What do you get if you cross a man with two planks of wood?

      A fairy tale that lasts 2000 years.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Just played Paralympic Cluedo. Comes up with the same answer at the end though

        The Sprinter
        With the firearm
        In the bathroom
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          "You've landed yourself a real trophy wife," I told my mate. "She's tattooed with all the names of the previous winners."
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

            Depends on what you mean by "active".

            There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              I answered the phone today and all I heard was sneezing.

              ******* cold callers.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, my boss started moaning at me:

                "Where the **** have you been?"

                "On a course," I replied.

                "Fair enough," he said. "How did you get on?"

                "Not bad," I smiled. "Three under par."
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  First Bob Crow dies, then Tony Benn.

                  Typical socialists- one out, all out.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    Police have shut the A66 dual carriageway at Middlesborough while they search for a severed penis.

                    There's always some knob on the road at rush hour.
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      I went to the doctor's in a panic that I might have early onset Alzheimer's, as I'd suddenly realised I couldn't even remember the last time I had sex.

                      "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you," said the doctor, without even examining me.

                      "How can you tell without a brain scan or even a thorough check-up?" I asked.

                      "You're wearing a wedding ring."
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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