Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Someone asked me what the difference was between a colon and a semicolon.

"I'm not 100% sure," I told them, "But it's not worth having a semi colonic irrigation."

[vetran]

What do you get if you cross a man with two planks of wood?

A fairy tale that lasts 2000 years.

[vetran]

Just played Paralympic Cluedo. Comes up with the same answer at the end though

The Sprinter
With the firearm
In the bathroom

[vetran]

"You've landed yourself a real trophy wife," I told my mate. "She's tattooed with all the names of the previous winners."

[vetran]

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you mean by "active".

There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

[vetran]

I answered the phone today and all I heard was sneezing.

******* cold callers.

[vetran]

As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, my boss started moaning at me:

"Where the **** have you been?"

"On a course," I replied.

"Fair enough," he said. "How did you get on?"

"Not bad," I smiled. "Three under par."

[vetran]

First Bob Crow dies, then Tony Benn.

Typical socialists- one out, all out.

[vetran]

Police have shut the A66 dual carriageway at Middlesborough while they search for a severed penis.

There's always some knob on the road at rush hour.

[vetran]

I went to the doctor's in a panic that I might have early onset Alzheimer's, as I'd suddenly realised I couldn't even remember the last time I had sex.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you," said the doctor, without even examining me.

"How can you tell without a brain scan or even a thorough check-up?" I asked.

"You're wearing a wedding ring."