Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

How many prostitutes does it take to paint a house?
Asking as the prices quoted by painters in my area are getting ridiculous.

[vetran]

I was halfway through telling the group about how much Johnson's baby powder I use when the guy at the front interrupted me.
"Sorry mate, but I think you're in the wrong room," he said. "Talcoholics anonymous is next door."

[vetran]

I told my wife there's nothing to beat three in a bed.

You really need to do something about your obsession with darts, she replied.

[vetran]

Why should you never wear Ukrainian boxer shorts?

Because Chernobyl fallout

[vetran]

I've been pinged five times today. I hate this new microwave oven.

[vetran]

I once did a gig a long time ago where i admittedly had misrepresented my abilities and the kids at this party were very disappointed by the balloon animals I was making.

"Let me guess, this one will be a worm or a snake too," groaned this one snot nosed little prick.

"Absolutely not."

"Than what is this then ?"

"An Eel."

[vetran]

you really are about as funny as a terminal cancer diagnosis.

Luckily so many people upvote me so much I know what they like.

[NotAllThere]

you really are about as funny as a terminal cancer diagnosis.

It's true. But you are not.

[vetran]

There's a sign in my local park that reads, 'Please do not cycle on the grass. You may injure a young child or elderly person.'

I'm pissed about the cycling, but at least they've provided an alternative activity.

[vetran]

Royal Family has 'very real fears' that Harry's '£18m' four-book deal could destabilize the discount bins in WH Smith.