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Please put more jokes here

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    I told my dad I couldn't believe I'd failed my biology exam.


    He said , I'm your mum.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      I have to be honest, wearing a facemask in public seems pointless to me and a complete waste of time.
      But judging by some of the single mums on my housing estate , not seeing them completely seems like a blessing in disguise.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        I'm so glad I'm not wealthy with a wife half my age, not knowing if she's with me just for my money.

        At least being poor I know my wife hates me for who I am.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          For aTw.

          A simple philosophical message for these difficult times with the enduring Coronavirus crisis.
          Everything in the universe is either a squirrel or not a squirrel. There, don’t you feel just a little bit better ?
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            Due to political correctness, poor old Dick Van Dyke has had to change his name to 'Penis Lorry Lesbian!'
            Unbelievable!
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              As I sat down to dinner with my wife I said, "Have I ever told you what a fantastic cook you are?"

              "No," she smiled.

              "There's a good reason for that," I replied.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                and for balance...


                As I sat down to dinner with my wife she said, "Have I ever told you what a fantastic lover you are?"

                "No," I smiled.

                "There's a good reason for that," she replied.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  I told my mate that I got kicked in the bollocks in a park in Chiswick the other day.

                  “Turnham Green?” he asked

                  “No” I replied, “they’ve gone purple”
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    I keep hearing strange clucking noises in the middle of the night.

                    I think we may have a poultrygeist

                    Comment


                      I'll never forget the time I had to do PE at school in my underpants because I'd left my kit at home.

                      It nearly ended my teaching career

                      Comment

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