Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

for AtW

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
-
So their nuts don't get wet!

[vetran]

For MF

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

[LondonManc]

What's brown and sticky? A stick

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff

[shaunbhoy]

A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw and the other made of wood.
Police think that its probably a lone wolf.

[shaunbhoy]

A penguin goes into a bar and says...has my brother been in?

Barman says...What does he look like????

[vetran]

Job interview in a psychiatry practice:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
-
I’ve been on CUK for 5 years now.
-
Very good, the job is yours.

[LondonManc]

When questioned, 8 out of 10 women said that they would recommend Pantene shampoo. The other two screamed and asked me to get out of their bathrooms.

[LondonManc]

Talking to a girl in the pub the other night.
"Apparently," I said, "making a girl laugh is the second best way of getting a girl to sleep with you."
"Ooh, what's the best?" she asked.
"Holding a knife to her throat while she signs the consent form," I said.
"Haha, you're so funny," she replied.
"That's a good choice, get your coat," I said.

[NigelJK]

A bloke is rescued from a building fire and is admitted to hospital.
He says to the doctor "I have been here now for two weeks and all I'm getting is Haggis,Tatties and Neeps for every meal.
The Doctor says "What do you expect, this is the Burns unit"!

Better today I think.

[shaunbhoy]

HELP police return lost house keys by attaching a keyring with details of your address and the times you're usually at home.