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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
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So their nuts don't get wet!
"If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
"If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."
So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
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I’ve been on CUK for 5 years now.
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Very good, the job is yours.
"If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."
Talking to a girl in the pub the other night.
"Apparently," I said, "making a girl laugh is the second best way of getting a girl to sleep with you."
"Ooh, what's the best?" she asked.
"Holding a knife to her throat while she signs the consent form," I said.
"Haha, you're so funny," she replied.
"That's a good choice, get your coat," I said.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist
A bloke is rescued from a building fire and is admitted to hospital.
He says to the doctor "I have been here now for two weeks and all I'm getting is Haggis,Tatties and Neeps for every meal.
The Doctor says "What do you expect, this is the Burns unit"!
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