Please put more jokes here

[shaunbhoy]

RECREATE the fresh minty glow of "tea tree & mint" shower gel by using an extra strong mint as a suppository.

[shaunbhoy]

If you play an Ed Sheeran song backwards you'll hear a message from Satan.
Worse still, if you play it forwards you'll hear Ed Sheeran.

[shaunbhoy]

Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?..When i was ten-years old,i saw two dogs getting it on in the street and asked my mum what they were doing.
"Dancing" she replied.
The first school disco i went to,i got expelled!

[WTFH]

Was looking for a file on my computer, and hit the "sort by date", the oldest file was called Tea Bags - it was an email sent to me in 1998, below are the top tips from it:

Top Tips

*Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.

*Dont buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

*INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

*OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

*WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

*BMW MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

*FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

*SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

*SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

*LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

*AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

*TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists
know where the f*** you're going.

[shaunbhoy]

My wife's left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she's back. She hadn't left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

[shaunbhoy]

There aren't many famous people called Geoffrey.
Maybe there was some kind of Geoffrey Boycott?

[shaunbhoy]

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.

[WTFH]

Things not to say on your first date...
1. “You look like my daughter”
2. “Your boobs are pretty small for a fat chick”
3. *places hand on her stomach* “Soon this will be plump with my seed”
4. “She’ll have the salad”
5. “I’d love to invite you back to my place but I think my wife will have gotten home from her chemotherapy treatment by now”
6. “My ex girlfriend used to take me here all the time”
7. “I see you’re drinking 1% milk. Is that because you think you’re fat?”
8. “… and that’s the reason why Jinx is on my Top 3 of f*ckable Pokemons!”
9. “You are not like the other girls”
10. “you kiss better than your mom”
11. “Can’t believe were actually meeting up, I could be like a killer or something”
12. “Do you have any cash on you? The feds seized my assets again”
13. “You and my wife would get along”
14. “I love you”
15. “I’m 5cm flaccid!”
16. “My herpes isn’t flaring up so we can totes f**k”
17. “What’s a potato?”
18. “You get either a starter or dessert, I’m not paying for both”
19. “The food here gives me wind”
20. “I forgot my wallet”
21. “You look different when you’re sleeping”
22. “Is that your original gender?”
23. “Did you come here alone?”
24. “Your pictures are surprisingly misleading”

[xoggoth]

11. “Can’t believe were actually meeting up, I could be like a killer or something”

You should have posted this a couple of years ago. I have screwed up a few dates by going for a country walk with a lady and saying "Wouldn't this be a great place for a serial killer to hide dead bodies?"

[WTFH]

You should have posted this a couple of years ago. I have screwed up a few dates by going for a country walk with a lady and saying "Wouldn't this be a great place for a serial killer to hide dead bodies?"

You go walking near me?