Please put more jokes here

[xoggoth]

Hey, you did! Well done!

I often look on here to see if any new ones and but on checking to test veracity of your statement I realised I'd never started at the beginning. Wahee!

[xoggoth]

Or maybe I've just forgotten them. Senility has its plus points.

[WTFH]

Her: Do you have pets? Me: Just a dog Her: Any hobbies? Me: Catching frisbees and rolling in fox poo, I guess

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.

Give a man a fish & he'll say "what's this? I ordered chicken". Teach a man to fish & he's all "you're an awful waiter" & "get the manager".

As a genuine connoisseur, I know the importance of treating wine with respect all the way through the drinking process, from carton to mug.

I think my ex still has some weird obsession about me – I've just found a photo of us in the bins outside her house.

[LondonManc]

The man who invented predictive text died yesterday.
His funfair is next monkey.

[LondonManc]

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm and I accidentally passed her the super glue.
She hasn't spoken to me since.

[vetran]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[vetran]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[vetran]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[vetran]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[vetran]

Q: What computer sings the best?
A: A Dell.