Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I hadn't seen my wife in ten years, so I tried to have her declared legally dead, but they told me to **** off, and take my guide dog with me.

[vetran]

I said to my mate, "I think I'm in with the blonde at the bar. I've just asked her for a ****, and she said when hell freezes over."

He said, "That doesn't sound too positive."

I said, "At least she didn't say when Nelson Mandela dies."

[SimonMac]

Had a charity worker knock on my door tonight collecting old clothes to send to Africa! I said if they fit in my clothes there not really starving are they

[mudskipper]

Had a charity worker knock on my door tonight collecting old clothes to send to Africa! I said if they fit in my clothes there not really starving are they

they're

[vetran]

Mitch Would!

"There's a salesman at the door with two young blonde women," Said my wife this morning.

"Excellent!" I said, "Tell him I'll have one."

[vetran]

Cooking instructions these days are addressed so politely...

"To microwave, from frozen".

[vetran]

According to research, fathers with smaller testicles are more likely to bath, feed and change the nappies of their children.

Which proves that it should be left to the mothers in the first place.

[vetran]

As my massive wife waddled out of the changing room to show me her fourth change of clothes, she burst into tears.

"You've not liked anything I've tried on." She sobbed. "You've shook your head at every outfit."

"I wasn't saying no though." I assured her,


"Just trying to see all of you."

[vetran]

I was talking to my mate. "Since I grew a beard the wife's taken to calling me 'The Striker'."

"I don't know any forwards with beards," he said. "Must be another reason ..."

"There is," I explained. "Apparently I'm very sharp around the box."

[vetran]

I decided to splash out for my wife's birthday this year.

I went shopping in Poundland instead of the 99p shop.