Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Scientists proved there is a link between heading a ball and Alzheimer’s after Liverpool players couldn’t remember the last time they won something.

[vetran]

Switching my ex wife's life support machine off was very difficult.

You try and fight off two doctors, a nurse and a security guard.

[vetran]

My wife woke up this morning and screamed at me "It's all your ******* fault"
I said "What is, how can it be"?
She said "I don't know yet, I haven't fully woken up"!

[shaunbhoy]

TELL someone you no longer love them by booking a Valentine's meal at somewhere with a Just Eat sticker in the window

[greenlake]

TELL someone you no longer love them by booking a Valentine's meal at somewhere with a Just Eat sticker in the window

Or just get them one of these....

[vetran]

Theresa May is considering appointing Arsene Wenger as Brexit Minister as Arsenal head towards another quick European exit.

[vetran]

A guy is in McDonalds and a blonde waves to him and says hello. He scratches his head ans says "do I know you". she says "I think you are the father of one of my kids" He knows he has been unfaithful to his wife only once so he says "you must be that stripper I met on my stag that I shagged on the pool table and you stuck a carrot in my arse". She said "no I'm your sons maths teacher"

[vetran]

I'm not saying staff at my local Asda are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!!

[vetran]

I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

[LondonManc]

A fire broke out at the Emirates Stadium.
Arsene Wenger shouts to Mezut Ozil, "save the cups"
Mezut, being the ultimate professional, decides to save the saucers from the canteen too.