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Please put more jokes here

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    Breaking news...
    A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it


    He's due to be bailed tomorrow.
    {emotionless greeting}

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      One for the Saffas on here...


      Hey guys, this is an urgent shout-out! A friend of mine in Cape Town has a ticket for the Springboks v Ireland match at Newlands on June 11th. When he bought the ticket he didn't realise that the match is on the same day as his wedding and now he's looking for someone to go in his place.
      The church is in Swellendam, the bride's name is Jennifer and everything is already paid for. All you have to do is turn up and say "I Do"
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        What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
        A baby with burst armbands.
        The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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          "He who forgets history risks repeating it."


          As I was told just before my O level exam on the Tudors.
          {emotionless greeting}

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            I was in a hospital the other day and all these people were just lying in bed, not saying much. I couldn't help thinking that they were a patient lot.
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              I think Google's a woman...

              Because it won't let you finish a sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

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                My favorite sex position is the JFK.

                I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

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                  A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
                  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
                  "What?" said the puzzled groom.
                  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
                  "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
                  Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
                  Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
                  Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
                  Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
                  Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
                  Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
                  Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
                  Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
                  Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
                  "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
                  "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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                    You can tell a lot about a woman by her ankles.

                    If they are on your shoulders, chances are she likes you.
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                      A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
                      The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

                      'You talk?' he asks.

                      'Yep,' the Lab replies.

                      After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

                      The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

                      In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'



                      'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

                      But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
                      'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

                      The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

                      'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

                      'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

                      'Because he's a Bulltulipter. He's never been out of the yard'!
                      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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