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Please put more jokes here

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    "School in Shakespeare's day would have been far easier than school today because they wouldn't have had to learn any Shakespeare" - Philomena Cunk
    I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
    Hands... out infractions
    Face... the music
    Space... between the ears

    Comment


      A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

      The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

      Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

      The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Samsung S7 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

      The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, German ...

      Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
      database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

      Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

      "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

      He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
      Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

      The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
      "You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
      "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

      "No guessing required." answered Sam.
      "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

      Now give me back my dog.
      I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
      Hands... out infractions
      Face... the music
      Space... between the ears

      Comment


        Two cannibals who captured a man.
        They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends.
        After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?"
        And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
        I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
        Hands... out infractions
        Face... the music
        Space... between the ears

        Comment


          Hopefully I’ve got a book coming out soon.


          Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.
          I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
          Hands... out infractions
          Face... the music
          Space... between the ears

          Comment


            I saw a sheep pole dancing the other night.


            ...it was in a kebab shop






            *millenium
            I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
            Hands... out infractions
            Face... the music
            Space... between the ears

            Comment


              I was thinking of setting up a fund to help abused athletics officials, but I'm worried that I'll send out the wrong signals if I put it on Kickstarter.
              I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
              Hands... out infractions
              Face... the music
              Space... between the ears

              Comment


                So, it's really interesting in Japan to see how far ahead they are in technology terms. Just came back in from lunch and walked past a carpark full of those driverless cars.
                I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
                Hands... out infractions
                Face... the music
                Space... between the ears

                Comment


                  Fifty years ago, if you’d told me there would be 3D televisions today, I’d have thought…wow, that’s cheap.
                  I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
                  Hands... out infractions
                  Face... the music
                  Space... between the ears

                  Comment


                    “Mummy, mummy, do people go to heaven feet first?” asked little Jimmy.
                    “No, I don’t think so,” she replied, “why do you ask?”
                    “Well yesterday I walked into your bedroom when you were at work and there was Auntie Sarah lying on her back with her feet in the air. She was shouting ‘oh God, I’m coming’, and she would have done if daddy had not been holding her down”
                    I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
                    Hands... out infractions
                    Face... the music
                    Space... between the ears

                    Comment


                      I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

                      Which makes me an eighth theist.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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