Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

Police are called to the scene of a domestic stabbing. Turns out a man has had a kitchen knife plunged through his chest. When asked why by the policemen, she replied, "I'd just finished mopping the kitchen floor and the bastard walked right across it in his dirty shoes."

The copper radios it in, to which the controller replies, "so, have you taken the knife off her yet?"
"Have we f**k, the floor's still wet!!!"

[xoggoth]

An old lady went to her doctor and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time doctor although there is no sound and no smell"

The doctor gave her some pills to take three times a day and told her to come back in a week.

The next week she came in and said "Doctor, the problem is even worse, I still fart just as much but now they smell terrible.

"Calm down" said the doctor "The pills have fixed your sinuses, now we just need to work on your hearing"

[vetran]

'What's for dinner, Mum?'


'Spaghetti Bollock-Knees.'


'I think you mean Spaghetti Bolognese!'


'No, I've been to Aldi again.'

[vetran]

I went into my local shop to buy some Dairylea cheese


They said they cannot sell it because the government says they have got to stop the spread

[vetran]

"Mathematical models developed by Alan Turing are used by researchers to understand bird behaviour"


So they're taking advice about birds from a bloke who never had anything to do with birds? I can't see that one flying somehow.

[vetran]

for NAT

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?






Ask your mother!

[vetran]

What do pimps and farmers have in common?



They both need a hoe to stay in business.

[vetran]

Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

[vetran]

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

[vetran]

Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.