Please put more jokes here

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US terrorism investigators have shot dead a man who lunged at them with a knife, say police.

Lesson learnt, if you are black and work at Subway, ask if they want Mayo don't point.

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Sepp Blatter is going to use all of his spare time to concentrate on improving his tennis game.

Rumour has it that his forehand is nothing special but his back-handers are amazing.

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When Bruce Jenner was asked why he has become a woman he replied,

"Have you seen how much money those slag daughters of mine make? "

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Little Johnny came home after spending the afternoon at the lot next door where a crew was building a new house, his mother asked him what he had learned while he was there.

"Well," he replied it is an f'ing bother when those f'ing idiots at the lumberyard send the wrong f'ing stock and every f'ing thing has to be returned. On top of that the f'ing plumber put the f'ing pipes for the f'ing sink on the wrong wall."

"That is enough young man," his mother interupted, you know you are not allowed to use that kind of language, "Just wait until your father gets home."

When his father arrived home his mother told him about the kind of language his son had used.

"That is disgusting," his father scolded, "You must be punished, go and get me a switch from the backyard."

Little Johnny replied, " No way that's the f'ing electricians job."

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Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's Jake my finisher who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.

The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.

Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday," replied the owner.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."

The owner says, "That would be me."

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one for the ladies

Jack, an older gentleman woodworker, feared his wife, Becky, was getting hard of hearing.

So one day Jack called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and said that meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

Here's what you do, said the Doctor, "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He thinks to himself that he is about 40 feet away. "Let's see what happens," he mutters.

Then in a normal tone he asks, ''Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So Jack moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from Becky and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Becky and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For God's sake, Jack! For the FIFTH TIME. CHICKEN!"

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For Brillo

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.

"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

[vetran]

Jack and Bob were returning from installing custom cabinets in a home several hours away from their shop when they were caught in a sudden snow storm.
They pulled into a farm yard, an attractive, middle aged lady answered the door, they explained their plight and asked if they could spend the night.

"Of course," she answered, " However I am a recent widow and it would not be proper for you to stay in the house, but you may sleep in the barn."

They left early the next morning, the storm had passed, Jack never thought anymore about the incident until nine months later when he got a letter from the widow's attorney.

He confronted his partner Bob the next morning at their shop, " Remember when we had to stay in that barn during that storm last winter, you didn't happen to visit the widow during the night and use my name instead of yours, did you?"

"Uh, actually I did," Bob admitted looking a little sheepish, " I'm sorry, I should not have done that."

" No problem," Jack laughed, " She just died and left me the farm."

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A Northernladuk died suddenly in his sleep, as he entered the Pearly Gates trumpets blared.

St. Peter approached him with his hand outstretched, " Congratulations, you are the oldest person ever to arrive here."

"There must be some mistake," the worker replied, " I am only forty years old."

" Impossible," St. Peter replied, " We added your time sheets up twice and got 160 years both times."

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For Suity

A young boy around seven years old got separated from his father at a large woodworking show, remembering what his parents had told him to do in such a situation he approached a security guard and reported that he had lost his dad.

"What's he like?" the security guard inquired.

"Mom says beer and women." the boy replied.