Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbour piped up, "You can clean mine next!"

"Ha ha!" I laughed.

Jesus, it's bad enough I have to **** his wife for him.

[vetran]

Just got home and saw a note from my flatmate:
'Borrowed your bike'
I didn't mind until I saw another note from my girlfriend:
'Out with Steve'

[ASB]

My wife asked me how many women I've slept with.
I said, 'I really don't want to answer that love, you know I've had a past and I don't want to upset you'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12,13, 14, 15

[eek]

Guy: Do you know the difference between a chicken sandwich and a penis?

Lady: No

Guy: Excellent, Do you fancy going on a picnic with me?

[DirtyDog]

A photon checks into a hotel. The valet asks him if it needs help with it's bags. To which the photon replies....


















"No, I'm travelling light"

[Paddy]

While in China, an Australian man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom at all.

A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.'

The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.'

The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!'

[vetran]

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

[vetran]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[vetran]

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to **** the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a tulip on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch ******* stage a reconstruction of that.

[vetran]

How is eucharist like a dick?

You get them both shoved down your throat by a priest.