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    A married man decides to spend the evening with his secretary, so he calls his wife to make up an excuse. He and his secretary go out to dinner, then back to her flat for sex.

    Later, he looks in the mirror and sees a huge lovebite on his neck. He panics, wondering what he's going to tell his wife.

    Back home, as he opens the front door, his dog bounds up to greet him. The man falls to the floor, pretending to fight off the animal.

    Then, holding his neck with one hand, he calls out to his wife: 'Look what the dog did to my neck!'

    'That's nothing!' she says, pulling up her top. 'Look what he did to my boobs!'


      >>A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with
      >>a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
      >>Cat Dealey Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out
      >>here,' says Cat. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
      >>'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
      >>had a really bad accident unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I
      >>survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually
      >>cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't
      >>save my legs.' 'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they
      >>artificial?' asks Cat. 'No Cat, while I was in hospital the doctors
      >>informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine
      >>with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half
      >>of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have
      >>been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully
      >>by the end of the year.
      >>A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Dealey responds with:
      >>'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight Simon, who are you
      >>going to be?'
      >>'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'


        An oldie with a new section at the end.....

        A store that sells new husbands has opened in London ,
        where a woman may go
        to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
        entrance is a description
        of how the store operates:

        You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
        and the value of the
        products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
        shopper may choose
        any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
        to the next floor,
        but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

        So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband..
        On the first floor
        the sign on the door reads:

        Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

        She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor,
        where the sign reads:

        Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

        'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want

        So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

        Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
        Extremely Good Looking.

        'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep

        She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

        Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
        Good Looking and Help
        With Housework.

        'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
        stand it!'

        Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

        Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
        Gorgeous, Help with
        Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

        She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
        floor, where the sign

        Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
        are no men on this
        floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
        impossible to please.
        Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

        PLEASE NOTE:

        To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner
        opened a New Wives store with
        six floors just across the street.

        The first floor has wives that love s*x.

        The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money
        and like beer.

        The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been


          Banking system goes full circle

          The banks are in big trouble as we all know.

          Some day soon the only banks still operating will be the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank, and even these institutions will end up merging to "cut costs"

          When this happens the entire banking system will be run by "bloody w@nkers"
          If you find this post offensive, please insert "Chan" before and "tho" after, then it should be OK.

          Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being - Elvis Costello


            It's not difficult to Make a woman happy.

            A man only needs to be:

            1. A friend
            2. A companion
            3. A lover
            4. A brother
            5. A father
            6. A master
            7. A chef
            8. An electrician
            9. A carpenter
            10. A plumber
            11. A mechanic
            12. A decorator
            13. A stylist
            14. A sexologist
            15. A gynecologist
            16. A psychologist
            17. A pest exterminator
            18. A psychiatrist
            19. A healer
            20. A good listener
            21. An organizer
            22. A good father
            23. Very clean
            24. Sympathetic
            25. Athletic
            26. Warm
            27. Attentive
            28. Gallant
            29. Intelligent
            30. Funny
            31. Creative
            32. Tender
            33. Strong
            34. Understanding
            35. Tolerant
            36. Prudent
            37. Ambitious
            38. Capable
            39. Courageous
            40. Determined
            41. True
            42. Dependable
            43. Passionate
            44. Compassionate


            45. Give her compliments regularly
            46. Love shopping
            47. Be honest
            48. Be very rich
            49. Not stress her out
            50. Not look at other girls


            51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
            52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
            53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


            54. Never to forget:

            * birthdays
            * anniversaries
            * arrangements she makes


            1. Show up naked
            2. Bring food


              Can you imagine working for a Company that has a little more than 600
              employees and has the following employee statistics?

              · 29 have been accused of spouse abuse

              · 7 have been arrested for fraud

              · 9 have been accused of writing bad cheque's

              · 17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2

              · 3 have done time for assault

              · 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

              · 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

              · 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

              · 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

              · 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

              Which organisation is this ???????

              It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks
              out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.

              What a bunch of b*****ds we have running our country - it says it all.

              And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension
              scheme in the country!!


                A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!

                Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!


                85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........

                The other 15% haven't been to prison yet


                B*st*rds! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on!

                What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!


                Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face',

                It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming, 'come on .. .My face


                I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party, Musical chairs was a bit slow but f**k me, pass the parcel was fast!





                Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog!

                Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*st*rd was corgi registered


                Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday?

                The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser.


                  'Got any KY jelly?' a man asks in his local chemist's.

                  'Sorry, no,' the assistant says. 'Have you tried Boots?'

                  'Boots?' he sneers. 'I want to slide it in, not march it in!'

                  Q What's the definition of suspicious behaviour?
                  A Nuns doing press-ups in a cucumber patch.

                  A couple go on a fishing trip. The husband likes to fish and the wife likes to read.

                  One morning, the husband returns from fishing and goes for a nap, so his wife takes the boat out to read her book.

                  Soon a warden approaches in his boat. 'Sorry, madam,' he says, 'this is a non-fishing area.'

                  'But I'm not fishing,' she replies. 'I'm reading.'

                  'Yes, but you have all the equipment,' he says. 'For all I know, you could start at any moment, 'I'll have to take you in.'

                  'If you do that, I'll have you for sexual assault,' she snaps.

                  'But I haven't even touched you,' the warden splutters.

                  'True,' but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment.'

                  'Enjoy your book, madam,' the warden says, and sails off.


                    Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

                    Mick says 'how you doin?'

                    Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers,me feet are freezing.'

                    Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ...

                    He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

                    They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'

                    Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

                    Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin one?'


                      Thirteen year old dad Alfie Patten has joined Fathers for Justice.

                      He doesn't understand the politics but he already has a spider man costume...