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Please put more jokes here

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    My wife turned up at a fancy dress party pissed as a fart and drove into a tree,

    "It's ok, " she said. "I've come as Katie Price.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      Did you know that when singers have sex they know the note they hit when they come?
      Take R Kelly, for instance, he comes in A minor.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Why did the Catholic priest cross the road?

        He was moved to another parish after certain allegations came to light.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          I was attending a seminar recently and was asked to list 10 sexual innuendos.

          I accidentally wrote down 11 and had to rub one out.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            My Gran was telling me about the men she slept with back in the day. Stan Boardman, Stan Laurel, Stanley Baker, Stan Lee, Stanley Matthews and Stanley Baxter. She had a lot of one night stans when she was younger.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              Former PC Wayne Couzens started a full-life sentence this week after pleading guilty to murder following a catalogue of amateurish errors. He might still be in the Met if he hadn't made his biggest error several years ago - not joining the Freemasons!
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                I was watching a snooker match last night when one of the players caused some controversy when he used a pile of coins to support his cue during a difficult shot.

                He argued that change was as good as a rest.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  Last week I was paying £1000 to hide in the back of a HGV.
                  This week Boris wants to pay me a £1000 to drive the HGV.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    Ironic that an Arab state, so keen on women dressing modesty, has bought Newcastle
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      one for warty

                      I entered a wanking competition yesterday.

                      I didn't come anywhere.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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