Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

My wife reckons no man in the Bible had a gun.

She's wrong. Paul had Epistle.

[vetran]

I've just arrived at Trafalgar Square to join up with Extinction Rebellion for 2 weeks of disobedience.

I sometimes worry about the lengths I go to to get a shag.

[vetran]

My wife said that I'm a neglectful father.

"What are you talking about?" I shouted. "I took our daughter to the park this morning."

"Yes," she snapped. "And you ought to have brought her home with you."

[vetran]

I've been trying to buy my kids a pet, but you try asking the girls in the pet shop to look at their puppies
and before you know it you're on the sex offenders register.

[WTFH]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, an Alfa Stelvio QV, a Bentley Continental GT, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Kent and the Cotswolds, and a 1,000 acre farm in Devon. And there is over twenty million Euros in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.

[ladymuck]

The man who makes giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next week.
There will be some big choux to fill when he goes...

[vetran]

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN they become VERY ANGRY

[vetran]

I read a news story this morning about this guy who'd been conscripted into the Ugandan army as a child and somehow managed to survive the atrocities despite being shot and wounded several times, including being left for dead after being shot in the neck.
UN soldiers had taken pity on him and arrangements were made for him to emigrate to the UK with his wife and young child. He arrived here speaking no English, but was determined not to rely on government handouts, so studiously set about to learn the language and put himself through catering school. After finishing his course, he got a job in Wetherspoons as a assistant chef and gradually worked his way up to manager.
What a heart wrenching story... Surviving all that and ending up in Wetherspoons.

[vetran]

I've been trying to get someone to redo my garden but i'm not having much luck.


I've found several landscape gardeners but mine is portrait.

[vetran]

My 'phone rang. "Hello?"
Nothing but heavy breathing.
"Hello? Hello?"
The heavy breathing gets faster.
"Hello? Is anyone there?"
More heavy breathing...followed by a soft grunt...then a sigh, then silence.




That'll teach Mastercard to phone me demanding money.