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Please put more jokes here

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    Dear Agony Aunt,
    At 13-years-old, me and my best friend have discovered we are both gay and want to try mutual masturbation, but we're too shy. What should we do?

    Agony Aunt: Oh for God's sake - Just pull yourselves together.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      I went into an electrical shop and asked the shop assistant "would somebody help me to choose a kettle"

      He said "yea of course, kenwood?"

      I said "can you get him then please?"
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Bernie Madoff is in hell.

        The devil will be broke in 18 months.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          Ray Liotta's daughter's name is Karsen.

          I always thought it was Tarka.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            I got searched by the police, he said "What are these seeds?"

            I said "Those are Chia seeds."

            He said "Bollocks, they're marijuana seeds."

            I said "I know, marijuana cheers me up."
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              Racing pigeons will be released in Windsor in tribute on the day of Prince Philip's funeral.

              Jesus Boris, what state have you left the Airforce in?
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                '...Queen Elizabeth and Princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go for help, and while he's gone some scumbags come across the stranded royal couple.

                "Ain't you the Queen?"
                She confirms she is.

                "Where's your tiara?"
                She tells them she left it at home.

                "**** me! Just my luck! Ain't you the Princess tho?"
                Kate says, " Yes."

                "Where's that bloody big Sapphire from your hubby's dead mum?"
                She says she left it at home.

                "BUGGER! I guess we'll just have to take these lovely wheels then. C'mon now! Out the car! Step lively and keep walking or there'll be hell to pay, you snooty *****!"

                They shuffle down the road a bit and the Queen says to Kate, "I know you were wearing your ring! What happened to it?"
                She replies with a blush, "I hid it... Up there..." pointing to her crotch.
                The Queen chuckles.

                Kate says, "But Queen, I know you were wearing your tiara when we left!"
                Her Maj confesses that she hid hers too... In the same location.

                Without a second's hesitation Kate says, "Dammit! If Fergie were here we could've saved the ' Bentley!"
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  What's a dyslexic's blood group?

                  Typo
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by vetran View Post
                    '...Queen Elizabeth and Princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go for help, and while he's gone some scumbags come across the stranded royal couple.
                    If Anne had been in the car, she'd have twatted the scumbags.

                    Down with racism. Long live miscegenation!

                    Comment


                      I went to the doctor's. I was concerned about my hearing and being unable to father a child.

                      He confirmed I had hearing problems, but it wasn't all bad. He also told me I was important.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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