Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

Commuters - get better value for money by sitting upstairs on the bus. Given the circumference of the earth, you will travel 0.00000012% further than your fellow passengers downstairs, who have paid exactly the same fare.

[shaunbhoy]

ABSENT MINDED people. Don't waste money on post-it notes. Simply find an elephant that lives locally and tell them whatever it is you need remembering

[LondonManc]

When skiing, always carry a dog biscuit in your pocket. That way, in the event of an avalanche, the rescue dog will find you first.

[shaunbhoy]

My wife has said she's leaving me because I've put CCTV all round the house.
I can see where she's coming from.

[shaunbhoy]

EXPERIENCE being a rugby player by trying to get from one end of Eccles town Centre to the other without being signed up to a charity.

[LondonManc]

ANARCHISTS - when destroying the state, take care not to burn down your dole office.

[shaunbhoy]

I bumped into one of my old classmates the other day, thinning hair, beer belly, grey moustache. She's really let herself go!

[LondonManc]

MASOCHISTS - when nailing your scrotum to the kitchen table for purposes of sexual gratification, always ensure that you leave the pliers within arms' reach, not in your toolbox in the shed.

[LondonManc]

Teach your kids how tax works by taking all their sweets off them and telling them to f*** off.

[WTFH]

The Wife(tm) has left me because I'm too insecure.


No, wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.